Patti See’s story about having to commute to and from college is all too familiar for me. I drive down to college Monday mornings and stay in my single-person dorm room until Thursday afternoons. After my class is done on Thursday at 12:15pm, I pack up my things and trek back home to Maple Grove, MN to work Fridays through Sundays at the local Wal-Mart. I take my customer service position extremely seriously and enjoy it for the most part. Some days I could definitely live without the crabby customers that decide to take their bad days out on me, but I try not to complain.
I don’t mind the hour and a half drive. I have done it for most of my college years. My boyfriend is up there too so I get to see him every weekend for a few hours here and there. It’s better than nothing at all I suppose, but I miss him every day I am away. I can’t wait to be done with school in December. My heart won’t have to ache, and no longer will I have to try to drown out my emotions to focus on assignments and studying. On my drives home I don’t think about what my professors talked about in my classes though. I normally have my Ipod hooked up to the stereo with my tunes playing on random. To be completely honest, I just want to be done with school. I am so sick of being alone down here, and I’ve been to enough class rooms having to do with math to make me physically ill! Calculators and crib sheets are my best friend in that department.
Patti also mentioned that she felt like a loner and could never seem to fit into the college crowd. Ever since I can remember I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. In elementary school I was the number one person to pick on. I was being raised by a single mother who struggled daily on financial obligations. We were the term ‘poor’ and my clothes proved it; mostly sweat suits until I got into 5th grade. We went shopping and got me a couple pairs of jeans. I naively believed that I would be accepted due to this minimal change. I was sadly mistaken. This bruised my little ego a lot more, because now they were digging at my personality. I did have two best friends back then; Caitlin and Martha. All three of us were part of the ‘out’ crowd. I would have chosen their friendship over the acceptance of the rest of the students in a second. They were my rocks along with my black and white Shih-Tzu Lady who was there for me anytime I needed her. She finally left us a week before she turned 15, when I was 18 years old. I still speak to Caitlin to this day.
Junior High was a lot better. I was still being teased by a handful of students but had a small crowd of my own friends. I remember a girl named Tracy going around telling her friends that she was going to kick my ass. I’ve always been a lover and not a fighter so I was petrified. When I went home that night my mom taught me how to punch using a pillow as my target. She told me that if Tracy throws the first punch to not hold back and that if I get suspended she’ll take me out shopping. The shopping part sounded fun, but I was still terrified about the physical part. To my relief, she was all bark and no bite.
High School was even better. I was known as one of the top singers in school and was part of the top choir. I was what I call a ‘floater.’ I got along with almost everybody from different clicks. There was one particular girl, Olivia, who was a Charlotte Church wannabe with the biggest jealousy bone towards me. Not to sound cocky or anything, but I am a better singer than her. I didn’t rub it in her face, but my gift still obviously took a toll on her ego. I remember auditioning for a solo and getting chosen for the part. She was so upset that she was going around and telling everyone that Mrs. Lausche made a mistake because she was made for that part. How conceited, and in denial, can you get? It still blows my mind!
Then there was College. My freshman year was amazing! I hung out with a group of 25 or more people! It was probably the best year of my life! Then, by the time my sophomore year came around, half of them dropped out, graduated, or moved home. The end of November 2010 I lost a college friend due to a one car rollover accident in her home town. That was extremely devastating; still is. Whenever I hear “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry I still break down and cry. 23 years is just not long enough. The only friend that I hang out with is Sam. She is a new mother of a handsome 7-month old little man named Brayden. If it wasn’t for Sam, I would feel completely alone down here at college. I only am able to see them Monday nights, but at least it is some type of interaction. I am so shy when I first meet people that I feel like someone has to pry my mouth open with a tweezers. It’s not fun, and I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the way I was treated by my peers when I was growing up. I know I’m a sweet and honest person so, why do I let my insecurities get the best of me? It’s so agitating, but I don’t know how to stop it. I am so worried about what people think of me that I can’t fully live the way I’ve always wanted to; as an extrovert.
